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Trying to repair a marriage after an affair is the most painful but potentially can be the best thing that happens to the marriage.
Because before the infidelity they could avoid hard conversations and slowly live separate lives of disconnection away from each other.
And pretend that they were ok.
Now with infidelity both spouses must come to grips if they want to fight to rebuild their marriage or give up because they don't want to have the hard conversations to rebuild their marriage.
So, if a couples is willing to have hard and vulnerable conversations to heal their marriage after infidelity. Then here are the steps we take to rebuild trust.
There are 3 phases of the TRUST REVIVAL METHOD that a couple must go through to rebuild trust again.
Phase 1: Atone
The first thing that should happen is that the guilty partner should express remorse. In other words, they need to take 100% of the blame for what happened.
This is simply because rebuilding the relationship after infidelity will not be possible if the guilty partner does not take this step. In simple terms, atonement can't happen when the guilty partner places any blame on the innocent partner.
As part of taking all the blame, the unfaithful partner must confess to everything.
There can't be any secrets anymore.
So, while a full disclosure of what happened may be painful for both partners, it allows transparency, verification, and vulnerability.
The key takeaway here is that it's vital for the guilty partner to understand the innocent party's feelings and accepts responsibility for what they've done without being defensive.
In this way, the couple can gain insight into what went wrong in the relationship without any accusations being made against any of them.
This is the best way to confront the issues between them.
By facing these issues honestly, they'll regain trust and intimacy, even though the innocent party will feel angry, hurt, and betrayed.
The final step in this phase is that the guilty partner must immediately end the affair and end all contact with the third party. Once this is done, there won't be any second chances. Although this may seem harsh, it's an incentive for the guilty partner not to stray in the future.
Phase 2: Attune
Attunement, the second phase, is only possible when a couple forgives and is ready to rebuild the relationship without blaming the wounded partner.
Here, the couple must make a commitment to learning how to manage conflict to prevent being overwhelmed.
A critical part of this phase is that the affair partner must now make the couple's relationship a priority.
As part of this new commitment to each other, the couple should tell the people close to them about this recommitment and that they're working at re-establishing and building trust in the relationship.
This helps to reinforce the fact that the relationship is genuine and enables couples to get support from the people who matter to them.
Phase 3: Attach
The final phase of the model is risking physical intimacy to reconnect, both physically and emotionally.
When the couple is committed and steadfast in staying together, the ability to attune to one another must reach the bedroom.
The simple fact is that, without sexual intimacy that is pleasurable to both partners, the relationship can't begin afresh.
The key to this sexual intimacy that is both pleasurable and meaningful is intimate conversation.
Thus, an essential subject to talk about after a physical affair is sex.
Although the betrayed partner may naturally feel anger, resentment, and fear when talking about physical intimacy, it's vital.
Couples should therefore discuss very personal and intimate topics in order to discover each other's feelings, attitudes, and preferences in bed.
In other words, this sexual intimacy is based on an emotional connection and communication.
Simply put, how are partners in a relationship going to have an intimate and pleasurable physical relationship when they do not talk about their desires?
When couples ultimately achieve this, it serves as a barrier against future indiscretions.
Final Thoughts
Affair recovery includes rebuilding trust, expressing hurt feelings, and establishing an emotional connection between the parties, which is challenging.
This is not to say it can't be done. It certainly can.
The key is that it will take consistency & time for deep and distressing wounds to heal.
If these wounds heal, the couple may end up with a stronger and more loving relationship than the one they started with.
Almost always, this process will require couples therapy with an experienced couple’s therapist.
For more information about marriage therapy, and how it can bring back trust in your relationship, schedule your Free Marriage Consultation at one of offices in Keller or Flower Mound.
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